Transmissions from Grudge Harbor

Not everyone in the media is falling prey to the Righteous Splendor of Frisky Brett Favre and His Golden Retriever-Like Enthusiasm .

Some are calling a spade a spade.

An anonymous NFL personnel man tells PRO FOOTBALL WEEKLY this:

“The problem with Brett Favre right now is that his ego is way too big. I know it’s difficult to pass up $12 million, but he does not have the arm he used to. He does not have the stamina. Age eventually catches up with all the great ones. The same thing happened to Dan Marino at the end of his career. He thought he could go out and win 16 games with his arm. So Jimmy Johnson finally told his offensive coordinator to let him throw it against Jacksonville that year. Throw it 60 times — throw the hell out of the ball. They wound up getting blown out. Marino didn’t have the same magic in his arm and went in to talk to Johnson after the game — he was mad that he did not put him in a good position to succeed. At some point, you have to trust your coach.”

And the WALL STREET JOURNAL’s Allen Barra deftly chimes in with analysis of Favre and an oft-overlooked statistic :

“Mr. Favre has probably been excused by fans for not winning a passer-rating title because its formula is so complex most fans don’t understand it. However, in the single most important passing stat, yards per attempt (YPA), he has also never led the league and finished as high as second only once (in 1995 with a 7.7 average). Pittsburgh’s Ben Roethlisberger currently leads the league in active players at over 8.1 yards per throw.”

And Florio at PFT points out more of Favre’s descent into narcissism here.

Methinks the transformation from Icon to Jerk has never proceeded so quickly in all of sports history.

Unrelated: I’m going to post something soon about how often Favre asks and answers his own damn questions in press conferences e.g “Am I too old to play? I don’t think so. Did I make the right decision in coming to New York? Time will tell. Do I want to give 100%? Hard to say. Am I more of a narcissistic diva than J-Lo? We’ll see…”

And so on and so forth. 

Jesus, what a mountain of ego-mania.

Here’s an interesting piece from FOX Sports’ Jay Glazer, who laments that the Brett Favre Saga prevented him from writing about Nazi memorabilia in Wisconsin bed-and-breakfasts and blood-splattered walls in Baltimore.

God, I love how mean-spirited and hateful the Packers-Vikings rivalry has become.

Check out Pat Williams ‘ recent comments in a great article by Michael Silver on Yahoo Sports:

“They’re going through all that as a team, trying to figure out if (Brett ) Favre or (Aaron ) Rodgers was the man, while we’ve got the same team we had all offseason. I’m glad they got all that darn press, ‘cause when we go down there it’ll be the kid’s first start and his first damn loss.”

Oh, and regarding Ryan Grant and the Packers’ stable of running backs…

"I’m going to try to crush all of ‘em. That’s been the focus of my whole summer – the Green Bay Packers .”

And gifted orator Jared Allen chips in with some colorful thoughts on Rodgers:

“Playing Green Bay on Monday night to start the season – that’s everything you want. Hopefully, I can put my helmet square in the back of his spine . If I can do that and knock the ball loose, it’ll be a good day.”

Can’t wait for Sept. 8.

And finally the No. 4 saga is over.    

Or is it?

Now Brett gets to "tutor" young Kellen Clemens , a former Oregon Duck.

And speaking of Clemens, my elephant-like memory recalls an instance back in 2004, when I was writing a couple of stories about former Ducks in the NFL for this fancypants newspaper . (At the time, I kept getting beligerent e-mails from a rabid Ducks fan whose last name was "Clemens .")

Ever the journalistic sleuth, I tracked said e-mailer’s hometown to a location not far from the young Jet’s birthplace.

Naturally, I surmised that the blowhard was related to Kellen and, hell, I am probably right.

None of this is relevant to anything, I realize, but I would like to end this post with additional useless information, namely that Clemens was born 10 years to the day after I was .

So, cheers, Gemini friend, Kellen Clemens, ye of the annoying bloodlines.

Enjoy our Brett Lorenzo Favre, he of the annoying storylines.

Just a brief post today to help myself and my brothers and sisters in Packer Nation make sense of Ari Fleischer ’s wartime spin-speak, as channeled by Mark Murphy :

God, I hope "we’ve already crossed the Rubicon" becomes a new and regular addition to the NFL coach-speak lexicon.

Now that Favregate has insinuated itself into all of our lives on a daily basis, can Packer fans do me a favor and learn not only the proper spelling of Favre (F-A-V-R-E, never F-A-R-V-E) but also the proper spelling of Aaron Rodgers? (It’s R-O-D-G-E-R-S, not R-O-G-E-R-S).

This really bugs me when I see it on blogs, chats, etc.

Favre has been our quarterback since 1992, but Diehard Joe Fan from Sobieski Corners still cannot get the spelling right.

What gives, people? Wisconsin schools are among the best in the nation — I have learned this by living out-of-state the past nine years and seeing what sewage lagoons the education systems of Oregon, Washington and New Mexico are.

Why is it that our Children of the Corn — and by children, I mean adult Packer fans frothing at the mouth in online chats with Cliff Christl — cannot spell the names of two of the most visible people to ever set foot in the state?

It’s a disgrace.

Didn’t Ted Thompson say something at the shareholders meeting about the Packers being a family? A family that occasionally disagrees?

I wonder if he still feels that way, and I wonder if some sort of marketing deal with Sears could be brokered wherein Ted, Brett Lorenzo , Bus Cook and Mark Murphy are gathered for a photo-op in front of a cheaply-designed nature scene…

Part of me — a cold, dark part — wants to see Brett in a Vikings uniform in the Monday night opener.

If only for the "surreal" element it will provide.

I had visions yesterday of Brett descending down upon Lambeau from a purple-golden sky wearing a jester’s hat — he’s throwing little hand-held bombs at Mike McCarthy similar to the Green Goblin ’s pumpkin bombs, but these are shrunken Ted Thompson heads. Rush’s "Tom Sawyer" is blaring out of the Lambeau public address system and Favre’s mouth is revealed to be a fang-covered maw not unlike Venom ’s. There are chimpanzee eyes where Favre’s normal, human eyes used to be. McCarthy is dodging the Ted Thompson pumpkin bombs and the assembled crowd is screaming and shrieking with fear. Some of the more cultured fans in attendance are aware that sheets of acid have been slipped into everyone’s Coors Light. Favre’s jester’s hat is morphing into giant, scary tentacles that wrap themselves around Lee Remmel ’s neck and Larry McCarren ’s leg. Scott Favre and the Ghost of Irvin are throat-punching members of the UW marching band. Bus Cook’s massive floating countenance is levitating above the Shopko jumbotron in sinister fits of laughter. Ryan Longwell and Brad Childress are in the atrium rubbing ointment on each others’ nude backside. Darren Sharper looks at his hands and is astonished to see that quaking, fleshy clumps have taken their place. Mason Crosby is hitting golf balls in a tranquil, placid scene off in the distance. Santa Claus is crying. Mitch Albom is wearing a rubber Nixon mask, asking people questions. The sun is shaped like a skull and is bleeding.

It’s a nightmare.

I’m too depressed about Favregate and all its twists and turns to effectively comment on it. It’s killing my soul. Lies, bribes, subterfuge…it reads more like an Elmore Leonard novel than real life.

As a diversion, I offer some useless knowledge culled from the pages of the NFL’s 2008 Kickoff Information Guide :

On paper, Pittsburgh has the toughest schedule in 2008. New England has the easiest.

Seattle traveled the most miles in 2007 — a whopping total of 34,766. Cleveland traveled the least at 6,416.

Philip Rivers — a.k.a. Prince Namor — has the best winning percentage among active quarterbacks not named Tom Brady . (That list doesn’t include a certain honorary member of Mississippi’s Oak Grove High School varsity squad).

Dick Nixon played running back at Whittier College, John F. Kennedy played wide receiver at Harvard University and Ronald Reagan was a guard at Eureka College.

Here are some foreign-born Packers: Colin Cole (Canada), Jon Ryan (Canada), Atari Bigby (Jamaica) and Abdul Hodge (Virgin Islands).

San Diego’s Igor Olshansky — whom yours truly interviewed a few years ago — is the son of a Russian Army soldier and the grandson of a World War II Red Army soldier.

Matthew McConaughey — he of the "I’m Not Afraid of Commitment, Ladies, But Just Try to Catch This Fish!"-type insipid romantic comedies — is the son of a former Packer draft pick, James McConaughey .

Former Dallas Cowboys personnel man Gil Brandt says Brian Brohm ’s understudy at Louisville — Hunter Cantwell — is part of a new wave of studly collegiate QBs.

Ryan Grant — he of the ill-advised holdout — had 11 rushes of 20 or more yards last season, a total bested only by LaDanian Tomlinson and Willie Parker .

Packers rookie Breno Giacomini was once a hot dog vendor at Fenway Park.

Ryan Pickett ’s nickname is "Big Grease."

Mason Crosby hits at least 60 golf balls two days before every game.

Darren Sharper never touches his hands before a game.

Jacksonville’s Brian Williams says Lambeau Field is his favorite place to play. "Their fans are real crazy," he remarks.

Aaron Rodgers says Mark Tauscher is the funniest member of the Packers roster. "From just the way he looks to everything he says."

Jon Ryan , somewhat shockingly, is the third-most effective punter among all active punters (in terms of gross average). Only Oakland’s Shane Lechler and Dallas’s Mat McBriar are superior.

New Baltimore coach John Harbaugh says his most embarrassing football moment was at Lambeau Field in 2000, when he and Brad Childress were caught rubbing ointment all over each others’ backs in preparation for the cold weather. (Seriously).

For what it’s worth: my most recent thoughts on the Cold War called Favregate.

I love how Favre has his own crawl category at the bottom of ESPN’s viewing screen every day, i.e. WNBA, AL, NL, NASCAR…FAVRE…

OK Brett. You want Minnesota, Minnesota wants you…how’s this, then: we’ll trade you for Kevin Williams and a third-round pick. Williams will fill in nicely for the departed Corey Williams and he will snugly occupy the void left by Johnny Jolly’s inevitable suspension and Justin Harrell’s non-existence. Plus Williams will be an outstanding insurance policy should Jolly’s suspension spill over into an extended stay at the Hoosegow. What’s that, Vikings brass? You won’t send us Kevin? Fine. Then we’ll take Pat, the other enormous Williams on your D-line, and a second-round pick.

Tom Silverstein’s latest report does nothing to quell the suspicion that Brett has become a babbling brook of bullshit the last few weeks.

My two cents? Favre won’t ever leave this game on his own terms. He’s too competitive, too stubborn. He’ll leave the NFL kicking and screaming, hanging on like a cockroach that lives for a week following the decapitation of its head.

The redoubtable Cliff Christl has a nice contrarian-to-Packer-fans piece on NFL.com. Its most cogent point: for all his skill as a personnel man, Ted Thompson has yet to make a bold, striking move in his leadership role.

Don Banks has an equally compelling piece on SI.com which compares Favre’s current haphazard and scattershot approach to trade negotiations to the manic, pull-everything-out-of-his-ass-at-the-last-possible-instant-in-order-to-win mentality that made us all love the man as a signal caller.

It dawns on me that Favre never really acquired a decent nickname in all his years in Wisconsin. Pal Mike D and I brainstormed and thought that perhaps he could be given an Oneida or Hochunk moniker that harkens back to his early days in Green Bay, something like Hetakeslotsofpillsandbooze.

This whole saga reminds me that, not only am I siding with management now, but I also sided with management during the Javon Walker fiasco. Which puzzles me, because — as someone who was once fired for insubordination (which is basically what’s happening right now with Favre; he’s getting “fired” for dissing his superiors on FOX News) — I am siding with “The Man” and not, well, the so-called “Common Man.” Frankly, it’s symbolic of what a confusing and emotional quagmire Favregate has become — the saga has shaken Packer Nation’s belief and faith in such a unique and beloved figure.

It is truly The End of Fandom. And maybe that’s a good thing. Perhaps we sports fans should grow up and stop placing extremely flawed characters onto pedestals where they truly don’t belong. Stop investing emotional energy in coddled, millionaire athletes and their volatile behavior.

The aforementioned Mike D — whom I canonized recently over on PHANTOM ICE — makes a solid argument that the “most fourth-quarter comebacks” reference in football, which is always brought up in the late moments of any game Favre trails in, is an insanely overrated statistic/point-of-reference. M.D. compares it thusly: “It’s like me arriving at the bank at the last possible moment to make a deposit to avoid the non-sufficient funds fee and overdraft charge. It’s indicative of my grit and character that I have the wherewithal to bring my account number along…”

Geez, this whole mess has been emotionally exhausting. Most distressing is how Favre has Roger Goodell dangling from his fingertips like a marionette, which pretty much guarantees that No. 4 will end up in Vikings purple by Week 1. You know the Commish is drooling over the possibilities of that Week 1 MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL matchup, and how it will blow every Super Bowl and the last episode of MASH out of the water in terms of TV ratings.

Ugly, ugly, ugly.

Remember that innocent time — like, oh, 30 days ago — when all we had to talk about was Noah Herron’s home security savvy?

Shame on Ryan Grant’s agent for using the current P.R. implosion as an opportunity to fatten his wallet.

I’ve bashed print media journalists ad nauseam both here and at PHANTOM ICE, but I also give credit where credit is due, and let me say that the incomparable Bob McGinn has all this loopy Favre business down cold.

It’s too bad McGinn’s contemporaries in the fawning national media aren’t privy to his wisdom and insight.

Here’s a point that most of the national talking heads, columnists and radio jocks are missing, but McGinn flat-out nails:

“As for Favre, the Packers’ decision-makers never could get over his horrible second-half performance against the Giants with a Super Bowl berth at their fingertips. The Dallas and Chicago games also left indelible black marks against Favre, whose production down the stretch faded in each of the last three seasons. Not to mention that many in the organization know full well that he hasn’t taken Green Bay to a Super Bowl in a decade.”

And here’s the other significant issue that most of the ESPN chatterboxes completely overlook:

“After watching Kyle Orton and Eli Manning handle arctic conditions, the Packers seem to think that (Aaron) Rodgers at least has a chance to function in the brutal cold of Lambeau Field in January. Conversely, they think Favre has none.”

Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy would be hung in effigy if they publicly stated this, but they likely believe this, and they are very likely right.

Again, as McGinn notes:

“The mostly silent, and, in this case, better informed majority understands that Favre, at one time the ultimate team guy, has become a me guy whose self-serving words and actions are no longer conducive to sustaining a winning organization.”

It doesn’t sound sexy in a soundbite and it’s not a popular position to take, but I bet it’s damn close to the truth.

Sorry, Brett.

Scene 117: “Endgame”

Brett Favre: You don’t love me any more.
Ted Thompson: No — that’s not true; I do love you.
Brett Favre: You just love me because I got you and Mike your bigshot contract extensions.
Ted Thompson: Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that.
Brett Favre: It’s true.
Ted Thompson: You know it’s not.
Brett Favre: Then cut me. Let me go to Minnesota. The song says ‘If you love someone, set them free.’
Ted Thompson: I won’t even dignify that with a response.
Brett Favre: All this time, I trusted you. But you’re a liar, just like all the rest. A goddamn sonofabitch liar.
Ted Thompson: Brett…don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to us.
Brett Favre: I HATE US! (smashes dinner plate)
Ted Thompson: (softly) You’re falling apart, and it’s killing me inside.
Brett Favre: Oh, great — now we get back to the heart of the matter, you. The only thing that matters is you.
Ted Thompson: You should talk!
Brett Favre: I am talking. For the first time in years, I’m talking. And you can’t stand it.
Ted Thompson: You’re playing a dangerous game.
Brett Favre: This isn’t a game. The fact is, you don’t know me. You’ve never known me.
Ted Thompson: Now you’re saying something we can both agree on.
Brett Favre: I hope you burn in hell, Boss Man.
Ted Thompson: I hope there’s room in there for both of us.
Brett Favre: Wouldn’t you like that.
Ted Thompson: Goodbye, Brett. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for.
Brett Favre: (whimpering, makes barely audible sobbing noises…buries face in his hands)

Snow slowly begins to fall…

Roll credits

So I watched Brett Lorenzo Favre’s weird PR-infomercial on FOX News last night, and I don’t think I’ll be tuning in for “Part II” tonight.

As I remarked over on Packergeeks, Brett’s eyes have the glazed-over look of a Scientology recruit. The anger and the aggressiveness was strange to see, especially from a guy who has always come across as good ol’ Neighbor Brett every time he’s in front of a camera.

It makes you wonder if the man has hit the bottle again.

I can only imagine the circus sideshow his presentation of Frank Winters into the Packers Hall of Fame will be on July 19. I envision Brett giving some rushed and hurried synopsis of Bag of Doughnuts‘ career and then launching into a rambling monologue about his hatred of Ted Thompson, at which point Gilbert Brown will bum rush the stage and put No. 4 in a headlock.

Seriously, though, two things have become obvious to me in this recent, sad chain of events.

1) Brett’s March press conference was quite simply a very calculated relocation strategy. His so-called “retirement” was from the Green Bay Packers, and not from the NFL. Recall the words, for instance, “I have nothing left to give to this organization.” Not “this game” or “this league,” but “this organization.”

2) Brett was once the greatest cold-weather quarterback of all time, but these days, he struggles when conditions get frosty. I won’t suggest he’s now a warm-weather/dome quarterback, but he can no longer excel in the cold, and that is cause for concern, especially for a franchise that is built for sub-arctic conditions.

This hard truth should make the break-up process a bit easier for us all to swallow.

Let’s all take a break from the troubling Brett Favre saga — which was exacerbated today by Johnny Jolly’s alleged felony misadventures — and give credit to the benevolent Godhead called Google, which provided me with something wonderful just now:

Hot chicks fetching tennis balls…

Enjoy.

My premonition right now is that — come opening day 2008 — Brett Lorenzo Favre will be the starting quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.

Whether the Packers will be given an offer they can’t refuse or Favre will use his clout to force the matter, my gut feeling is that No. 4’s final destination will be the Twin Cities.

I’m sure Darrell Bevell, Ryan Longwell, Robert Ferguson and Darren Sharper have been actively lobbying for this since Brett’s tearful press conference back in March.

What’s obvious now is that, yes, the tears were legit, but Brett’s retirement was from the Green Bay Packers franchise, not the NFL.

Thus, nobody should be shocked when — circa October 2008 — Brett is prancing around slapping referees’ butts after a touchdown pass to Sidney Rice.

And nobody should act surprised when Joe Buck makes reverent remarks about No. 4’s playful camaraderie with Steve Hutchinson, Matt Birk and other members of the Vikings offensive line.

Furthermore, nobody should feign outrage when an angry mob from Baraboo, Fort Atkinson and New London descends like locusts upon the Metrodome in September.

The ensuing bad blood will make the darkest days of the Bears-Packers rivalry look like kooky, fun nostalgia.

It’s pretty damn sad.

Some suggested hobbies for No. 4 to keep his mind off of media manipulation and unretirement:

* Write TWIN PEAKS fan fiction. None of us know if Coop ever shook the possession of Killer Bob or if Audrey Horne survived the bank bomb explosion. There’s lots of territory to mine here and lots and lots of unanswered questions.

* Join the Freemasons. My neighbor Duane, a card-carrying Mason, says a Mason hall is the place to be if you like good fellowship and pinochle.

* Become a Norbertine. Premonstratensian, baby!

* Learn the art of participatory journalism while exploring the evils of waterboarding.

* Get a LiveJournal account. Friend and unfriend other LJ users. Join LJ communities.

* Become a certified Dolphin Energy Practitioner.

OK, whatever.

On the serious side, I’m a little annoyed with the fawning national media and its coverage of No. 4’s retirement melodrama.

Gene Wojciechowski’s recent column at ESPN.com comes to mind.

The national folks seem to have only a superficial understanding of the dynamics at work here.

Did any of them watch last season’s Chicago game at Soldier Field when Kyle Orton looked far more energized by the frigid conditions than Brett Favre did?

Or the NFC Championship game when Eli Manning seemed more at home in the snowscape than No. 4, whose soul looked burdened by yet another cold-weather game?

I think Ted Thompson wants to roll the dice and see if Aaron Rodgers can replicate the success of other QB younglings — your Ben Roethlisbergers, your Carson Palmers, your Eli Mannings.

Brett can still play, we all know that.

The problem with No. 4 is keeping himself mentally and emotionally engaged, especially late in the season when the snow falls and the tundra becomes hard as granite. 

Brett simply doesn’t embrace those conditions like he did when he was a pup, and that indifference — which actually seems to border on outright contempt — might be a reason why the Pack has flamed out so often in recent playoff appearances.

Just a thought.